1. “I’d rather be spending time with you.”
Yes, there’s a “Save the Library”marchtonight, which you must attend because your town is closing branches rightandleft. And yes, your husband understands the gravity of the situationandhas even brought up supportive points like: “Libraries aren't just about books! They have freeDVDs!” But asyou race out the door to fightforuniversalliteracy(and freeDVDs!), or to meet up with your old friendfrom England, or to make the last-minute meeting atthe office, letting your significant somebody know that he is preferableto any of your causes, obligations or goals not only keeps him from feeling like just another check-off on your to-do list, but also affirms that he is item number one on your to-adore list.
2. “The best thing about how you play Monopolyis that you let the kids win.”
The reason to mention this—oh so casually—is not so much about the particular board game asit is about the dark, insidiousspiderwebof associations that goes along with it. For example, let’s say your spouse’s father was a business tycoon who mocked hisyoung son fornot being tough enough, and forced him to play rounds of impossible-to-win, ego-shriveling chess. Naturally, your spouse is terrifiedof growing up to be just like hisdad. To help him with this dailyhorror, you can alwayssay, “You’re not like your dad,” over andover, but the repetitionwill dull the point. Furthermore, in my wee experience, saying it so overtly will mean that he will never believe you. Insecurities are like this: they resist the truest, easiest solution to their madness. A roundabout affirmation that he is not the person he leastwants to be, on the other hand, will make him think, “I’m not like my dad!” And as all of us know too well, we humans tend to believe that voice in our heads above all other voices. Bonus point: He may also let you win..
3. “I was hopingthat’d beyou.”
One day there will be a psychological studythat proves how this golden little phrase saved 91.9 out of every 100.1 marriages in an experimental group of couples monitored over 53.8 years. Untilthen, just say it, please—most particularlywhen he calls.He, too, is aware that, in this age of texting, the sound of a phone ringing (or chirping or playing jazzy glockenspiels) is irksome. By saying this to him, you make him also aware that this minor irritation is, in fact, anexperience you look forwardto…as long as it’s hisvoice on the other end of the line.
4. “What’s your rose, honey?”
Parents all over America are adopting Michelle Obama’s dinnertime ritual, asking their kids to describe their rose (the happiest moment of theirday) and their thorn (the most upsetting). Why? It helps them avoid the typical “fine” or “okay” that kids rely on when asked, “How was your day?” The love of your life is not a second grader. But in this case, treating him like one will result in: A) his recognizing that he has something to be grateful for(his rose); B) hisfeeling calmerafter having aired his daily rage or disappointment(his thorn); and, C) you two engaging in the one thing that happens when married people reallytalk: intimacy.
5. “Let me help you find that guitarpick.”
Losing something makes us all panicked, especially if it’s something requisiteto the particularmoment (i.e., the bike pumpthat’s standingbetween you andmeeting a friendfora long ride), or it’s just plainold beloved (i.e., the PBSmug your mom gave you, which only you—and you alone—use). But worse than that panicis the loneliness that sweeps over when you’re the only one running aroundthe house, upending vases andpawing through sock drawers,thinking that nobody else but you knows about, or even caresabout, your very-very-very single mom who 30 years ago exacted 10 painful bucks a month from her anemic budget just to donate to the 1983 PBSpledge driveto earnthat damn mug, thus proving to her kids that the worldwas a placewhere intelligence, Masterpiece Theatreand Sesame Streetreigned. You may not know the fullbackstory to his Dad’s guitar pick. But you know whathe’s feeling when it vanishes. Helping him findit also helps him remember, hey, he’s not alone—he’s got you. PS: You don’t actually have to findit. It’s the diggingaroundwildlythat counts.
6. “Plain Crest toothpaste in a tube!”
We all have those hard-to-find things that make us happy: popcorn-flavoredjellybeans; jumping, joyful three-legged dogs; the first summer daywhen fountains spurton in hot public parks. Texting him a photo with a linelike, “Plain Cresttoothpaste in a tube!”, reminds him that he is not the only one bewilderedby the endless new-and-improved formulas involving baking soda and whitening chemicals, as well as annoyed by the stand-up pump dispensers that punk out anddeny you the last two centimeters of paste. Inaddition, it bringsto hisattention that the worldis stilla recognizablyexcellent place; the hard-to-find things are not impossibleto find.They are here: in anaisle atRite Aid.Between the Aim andthe Colgate.
7. “I sleep so much betterwith you.”
Think about it. Who doesn’t have problemswith sleep? We can’t get to sleep. Orwe get to sleep but wake up due to worries or noise. We cuddle body pillows or take pills or run sound machines or cover the windowswith dark drapesor slapa mask over our eyes. Then—crap!—we sleep too much. When you mention that he helps you sleep better, you’re reallysaying something along the lines of: You know that big, ugly problem that the restof the world has? I don’t have it. Because of you. Nobody else relaxes me like you. Nobodyelse can make me dream.
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